1) Diets — We can sum up all the weight loss advice you’ll ever need in six simple words: burn more calories than you eat. Other than that small caveat, we think you should enjoy food. Cabbage? Grapefruit? The Master Cleanse? Really, what are you thinking? Human beings have an enormous capacity to make their lives pleasant or miserable. We vote for the former and we’ll cast our vote with tasty food in reasonable proportions. Life’s too short for non-medical diuretics. Flavor your food, savor your life. There’s a delicious world out there waiting for all of you. Get off your duff and go get it!
2) Ice — We’ll take ours on a rink, please. We’re not fans of the frozen windshield or the sound our scraper/credit card makes when we have to drag it across icy windows. We don’t like the random patches of ice that hide under snowy sidewalks like diabolical banana peels. We’re tired of having to crouch in an undignified manner as we walk to work or school with our muscles clenched in anticipation of that sudden skid.
3) Wind chills — What good is a nice batch of snow when you can’t open your eyes to see it? Wind watery eyes that hide behind frozen lashes make for poor portals to winter’s charms.
3) Produce — No one likes a mealy apple and January is full of them. We haven’t sliced a good tomato in a long time either. This week’s trip to the winter farmer’s market yielded nothing but some pickled asparagus, a few hardy garlic cloves and a couple of kale leaves.
4) Fashion — It doesn’t exist in January. Just wrap yourself in smelly wool and call it a day.
5) Auto responses — We know where you are when you send us those out of the office replies and we don’t want to think about you all slathered in sun block and sipping a margarita while we’re hunkered down in some cubicle watching fluorescent lights turn our skin sickly green.
6) Finals — Students should be able to ease back into the academic grind after a nice holiday break. But, no, it’s January so they have to spend crazy hours cramming for exams and then stressful days taking them. Will they ever again need to list all the polyatomic ions? Probably not. But, it’s January so away they go.
7) Bills — My goodness, December was fun, wasn’t it? The shopping, the parties, the festive dinners out? Then along comes January when the happy greeting cards that cheerfully crowded our mail boxes give way to surly, uncommunicative bills.
8) Static — If you think you’re having a good hair day, January will break your heart. A silent gust of dry air, an unsuspecting yank of a winter cap and wham! you look like Medusa, only not as cool. And speaking of uncool, static will also sneak up on your clothing creating untimely, undignified showings of your unmentionables.
9) Empty rooms — Nothing clears a joyous house like January, which summons young adults away from their childhood homes and back to their busy lives.
10) Hope — There is none. Hope springs eternal in April, but that’s four long months away.
11) Driving — We have a cute little car that we hate to expose to January’s nasty weather, much less the crazy drivers it creates. Have you ever done a 360 on a city street? We’ve seen it on our street more than once… in January
12) Football — Our beloved Packers are not playing it, which probably explains our cranky ability to list numbers 1 -11.